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Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Mental Ramblings on a Tuesday

As human beings, it's our problems that make us unique.  Otherwise, we'd all just be the same person.  My problems are as vast and as varied as yours, to be sure, but it's how we handle them that puts enough of a spin on it to sort me from you and you from him.  No, the other guy.  Yeah, him.  

As a totally insane person, I try hard to sort my problems and fix my issues - at least I think I do.  More often I am realizing that I just dwell on my shortcomings so much that I end up beating myself into depression and it's the emergence from that state of mind that I take for clarity, or a problem being sorted.  

Lately, the cool thing to do inside my head is to be so afraid of fucking something up that I over-worry and spend my days wondering when I'm going to get fired/in trouble/fuck something up/etc.  Every e-mail I get is read into, words and fragments of sentences taken out of context and spun around so much that they might as well have been made up.  This comes from a place of wanting to over-preform at work.  To do more than anyone else so that I get the attention, the accolade, and the raises.  But instead of using that and driving myself to actually do better, I take it and turn it inside out and use it to make myself think I can never be the thing I want to be: successful.  Because I don't believe in myself for the most part.  I have thoughts and ideas but no track record to point to.  I want things out of life that take work only, I don't know how to do that work.  All I know how to do is feel rejected and injured. 

I need a new goal.  I need to figure out how to not be the guy who laments, rather, I need to be the guy who re-invents.  Who changes how he thinks and who does believe in himself.  That's really the key to everyones successes, I think.  You can't do shit in this world unless you believe that you can.  

I can give good advice, I just can't take it.

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