As a totally insane person, I try hard to sort my problems and fix my issues - at least I think I do. More often I am realizing that I just dwell on my shortcomings so much that I end up beating myself into depression and it's the emergence from that state of mind that I take for clarity, or a problem being sorted.
Lately, the cool thing to do inside my head is to be so afraid of fucking something up that I over-worry and spend my days wondering when I'm going to get fired/in trouble/fuck something up/etc. Every e-mail I get is read into, words and fragments of sentences taken out of context and spun around so much that they might as well have been made up. This comes from a place of wanting to over-preform at work. To do more than anyone else so that I get the attention, the accolade, and the raises. But instead of using that and driving myself to actually do better, I take it and turn it inside out and use it to make myself think I can never be the thing I want to be: successful. Because I don't believe in myself for the most part. I have thoughts and ideas but no track record to point to. I want things out of life that take work only, I don't know how to do that work. All I know how to do is feel rejected and injured.
I need a new goal. I need to figure out how to not be the guy who laments, rather, I need to be the guy who re-invents. Who changes how he thinks and who does believe in himself. That's really the key to everyones successes, I think. You can't do shit in this world unless you believe that you can.
I can give good advice, I just can't take it.
