I share a lot of things on the radio. Sometimes those things are 100% real, other times they are a blend of my real personality and whatever it is that I think people want to hear. And, more often than not, I just make some shit up entirely simply to fuck with whomever might be listening. It's fun!
Sometimes I wonder why I am such a cynical asshole. Sometimes I know why. But today really makes me think about it more than usual - 11 years ago today my Mom kicked the bucket on me. Now, obviously I still have some feelings to cope with, but that is hard and takes lots of therapy (which I can't pay for), so after I spent the month following her death in a literal blackout, beer-induced and drug-fueled, I just pushed everything down. And sure, for the first few months it was hard and I wrecked some relationships, but after a year or so it got easier. I highly recommend it.
Having a parent die unexpectedly on you is a really hard thing to understand. Not so much in the way that makes you drop to one knee, lean your head back and cry out, "Why God have you forsaken me?!!!", but just in the "Oh fuck, what now" sense. 11 years later and I still don't know the answer to that one.
I guess it comes from not really having the chance to bond with my family at all, not just my mom. My family has always been real weird about seeing one another, and as a little boy I never understood that. But I am sure that's where I picked up my retarded sense of friendship and personal interaction. Being close is too foreign for me to be comfortable with it. I learned this from my father, which is one reason we no longer speak. He tried to bring the family closer, but he tried too hard too fast, and when things didn't go his way he fucking put up a wall and quit, blaming everyone else for the failure. I wish I could care more about him, but I hope he breaks a hip and runs out of pain meds. Then shits himself. Again.
Things like this can really leave you with an Asshole Vein, running the core of your personality. I am an asshole, and I'm kind of just coming to terms with that. After years of trying to be someone I'm not, well, sometimes you just have to accept certain shit.
What's my point? I dunno. Just venting.
P.S. - Since I forgot to add this at the time of posting, here is my little song of the post. As if you cared.