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Thursday, December 8, 2011

Some Personal Bullshit

I share a lot of things on the radio.  Sometimes those things are 100% real, other times they are a blend of my real personality and whatever it is that I think people want to hear.  And, more often than not, I just make some shit up entirely simply to fuck with whomever might be listening.  It's fun!

Sometimes I wonder why I am such a cynical asshole.  Sometimes I know why.  But today really makes me think about it more than usual - 11 years ago today my Mom kicked the bucket on me.   Now, obviously I still have some feelings to cope with, but that is hard and takes lots of therapy (which I can't pay for), so after I spent the month following her death in a literal blackout, beer-induced and drug-fueled, I just pushed everything down.  And sure, for the first few months it was hard and I wrecked some relationships, but after a year or so it got easier. I highly recommend it.

Having a parent die unexpectedly on you is a really hard thing to understand.  Not so much in the way that makes you drop to one knee, lean your head back and cry out, "Why God have you forsaken me?!!!", but just in the "Oh fuck, what now" sense.  11 years later and I still don't know the answer to that one.

I guess it comes from not really having the chance to bond with my family at all, not just my mom.  My family has always been real weird about seeing one another, and as a little boy I never understood that.  But I am sure that's where I picked up my retarded sense of friendship and personal interaction.  Being close is too foreign for me to be comfortable with it.  I learned this from my father, which is one reason we no longer speak.  He tried to bring the family closer, but he tried too hard too fast, and when things didn't go his way he fucking put up a wall and quit, blaming everyone else for the failure.  I wish I could care more about him, but I hope he breaks a hip and runs out of pain meds.   Then shits himself.  Again.

Things like this can really leave you with an Asshole Vein, running the core of your personality.  I am an asshole, and I'm kind of just coming to terms with that.  After years of trying to be someone I'm not, well, sometimes you just have to accept certain shit.

What's my point?  I dunno.  Just venting.

P.S. - Since I forgot to add this at the time of posting, here is my little song of the post.  As if you cared. 


  1. First off, God bless your mom. She was a sweet woman. As an introvert, caused by back stabbing coworkers and ex friends I feel your pain and share in your issues. Dimitri

  2. while I still have both my parents living VERY close to me, they really aren't that involved ion my life...by my choice. My mom it a total nut job. She's a hoverer and nosy as fkuc. She has to know everything and I, from my dad's side of the family, prefer to keep things, even mundane ones, private.

    As I get older I realize I'm a lot like my dad. I do my own thing. Where I want to, when I want to and with who I want. A lot of "friends" hate this and want everything planned while all I can commit to is a "I might make it"

    I struggled with this a lot through my middle 20's and through my early 30's. As I've moved into my later 30's I've learned to deal with it, accept it and things are a lot better now.

    I don't know you at all JP. I've met you twice, for a total of about 30 seconds and you were kind of a dick both times. I completely expected you to act the very way you did when I introduced myself to you and don't have any issues with it. In addition, based on what you mentioned at the start of this blog about some of what you say being true, some of it being half true and some of it being completely made up, those of us that know you from the radio really don't know you at all.

    Wow, this is getting long. To end this...things will get better as you get older. It won't be easy, but you'll look at things differently, you'll take/accept things differently and you'll finally be able to settle in to who JP really is.

    Good lucK!

  3. We have a lot in common JP. My mom died 3 years ago. I am socially inept. And I like the ethiopians. But, I think brewing oated, dry nibbed, oaked stouts is gay. Just kidding.

    You have a great thing going at the Brewing Network. Thats your family now. After listening for countless hours to you guys, I feel like I'm a part of it too. Thats why it has become so successful. Hopefully you guys figure out how to get paid soon.

  4. I lost my Mom 9 years ago in a car accident, not much more unexpected than that. It completely blew my world apart. In 3 short months I lost my Mom, lost my house, got robbed and lost all my stuff. Wow. You'd think nature would make this losing a parent thing an easier process as it is a natural process to lose those older than you but no, no such luck. The good thing that came from that entire episode in life was because of losing my Mom I found Roberto. An entirely too long story but when I let my mind drift, never a good thing, it is such a double edged sword. If I still had my Mom I would not have Roberto or my current life, which I love so much. Makes my mind just gridlock. Wish she were here to see my wonderful life but if she were here I would not have this wonderful life. Time for a beer.

  5. Getting to act like an asshole around friends that will let you get away with it (or even encourage it) is good therapy.