No Really, Merry Christmas

After a long two days of driving and visiting family for Christmas, you sort of realize what's important in your life, right?  I'm not saying my newly-found cancer is some form of mutation that granted me super powers or anything, but sometimes all you need is a little perspective to right your world.  I have never been close with my family - a gift from my Father to all of his children.  My brothers are almost 15 years older than I am, which has a lot to do with it maybe.   Overall, I just always felt left out of the party because I was (and still am) socially awkward with anyone and everyone.  Especially family.  Not in the normal, every day way.  Like, bizarrely and staggeringly uncomfortable.   My brothers and their kids are all great at sports and I'm awful, so when we all used to get together, I'm the goofy ass-face trying to fit in with the football team, essentially.  Of course this is all in my head, but you can't tell me that.  I love my brothers and nieces and nephews, and I constantly blame myself for not being more involved.

But lately this year - and even more so since this whole diagnosis thing - I've let all that go and tried to connect to my family, and it's been great.  Today was a different Christmas in that it was so much more than gifts and driving and putting in time.  It was about these people around me, enjoying their lives, watching them be themselves, and just sort of taking that all in.  I'm not saying that now thanks to cancer, I have perspective on life; this is something that has been building for awhile, but the cancer certainly has advanced it.  I want to connect with my family, because you never know when all that could end.  And they are all nice people who actually like me back.  And laugh at my jokes, which never hurts.

The constant theme with this cancer has been trying to downplay it, because honestly it feels like I'm walking into the ER with a nail in the foot  - it's not a big deal but it IS a big deal at the same time. The wound won't kill you ... but it also has the potential, right?  Infection and all that. The type of cancer I have is called Papillary Thyroid Carcinoma and it's the most common and the most easily dealt with ever in the world ever.  Like, ever.  So on the one hand I think I sound like a winging baby, but on the other ... I have fucking cancer.

And that's really where I'm at right now with this whole thing; how do I put this into perspective?  Do I really need to?  Honestly, the only thing I'm scared of is dying on the operating table and missing out on my family.  The cancer doesn't bother me, it's just this mental block of finding the right way to look at my newly mutated cells.  Will it kill me?  No.  So don't call me a fighter or anything.  This is like me going to the elementary school and punching a kid dead in the face - it's not a fight at all.  I just have to sit and wait it out, and then get better.  Will it be tough?  Sure, but what isn't?  Besides punching kids in the face.   That's both easy and hilarious.

I dunno.  Sitting here with a glass of port and listening to the last night of Christmas music with Taren, the tree lights, and reflecting on the nice day we had got me all introspective about family and friends.  I've always been a loner with regards to relationships.  Just a few close friends, any more than that and I get uncomfortable within my own skin.  I'm fighting that more than I am this cancer.

This Christmas was a good one, and I really needed it.  I hope yours was good, as well.

Happy Christmas, friends.

One of my favorite Christmas songs ...