How To Be a Bum

Being a bum is a lot harder than I have ever thought.  I mean, you actually have to put some effort into it, like, what day are you going to brush your teeth on?  Or, how far past 4pm are you going to STILL be wearing your robot jammie bottoms?  Despite the mental workout, I think I keep it all straight.

I have been telling myself (and my sugar-momma) that I am using this time to work on my creativity and to really hone my writing skills.   So far, I have built a coop expansion, cut the angle of my slice by 2 degrees, and eaten all the snacks when Thursday rolls around.  Well, that's not entirely true, but sometimes that's how I feel.  It's been interesting, spending so much time in my head and trying to focus on what I really enjoy.  Trying to figure yourself out is no easy task.  Especially when you have a horrible personality like I do.   I can shoot too straight at times, and sensitive people can't handle that too well.  Not that I come out firing insults and yelling, but I know what I want and I know what will work and what won't  It's amazing how just that assertion will turn people off.  Which is why I love the few friends I have, because they understand that deep down, I'm really not an asshole at all, and that I come from a good place when I work.  What's been really cool though, is using my self-reflection to better understand people.  I've gotten a lot better at recognizing that shit happens, people fuck up, and it's ok to let them off the hook.  Well, some people.  I've worked with a few in my past who fuck up more than they produce and I'm glad I'm long gone from those days.

And I am working, by the way.  In fact, I'm working on my second script, which is about a guy going through changes.  It's pretty good so far, all 1.5 pages of it.  But my buddy Jason and I have a solid story, it's just up to me to push it along. Oh, and it involves the blues, too, so I'm leaning heavily on R.L. Burnside for inspiration.  If you don't think you like the Blues, give R.L. a shot - he's one of the best.  

Also, if you are doing any Amazon shopping, please hit the banner up top first, so I can get a little taste of that.  Not much, just to get my beak wet, you dig?  Or, if that creeps you out, you can hit the donate button so maybe one day I can afford cable.  Thank you. 

R.L. rocking out like his cock was out. Which it's not. So stop looking.

Coop Expansion

With the new chicks almost ready to go outside, I felt the pressure to expand the coop by a few more feet.  Ms. Butterworth was already getting a bit cramped in her little house, and with two more birds in there it would have been way too small.  So more room is needed.  Using the left-over wood from the first build, I planned out an expansion that more than doubles the current space.  It doesn't look like much, which bothers me a lot, but I have to remind myself that it's just a chicken coop.

I hope to have the thing fenced off and done in the next few days, but this is what it looks like so far.  Not bad really, considering I'm a total idiot when it comes to construction.  I probably bent and pulled more nails than I drove in ...

The plan is to just cut that side of wire out, butt the expansion up against the wall there, and let the birds run free in the grass.

Before Construction

Currently, with bonus Butterworth action!

Ok so it's a TAD bit wonked up, but ...

Once everyone is in, I'll post some pics of that.

Cheers!

This post written under the influence of Little Walter

Exclusive: New Brewery ... Online?

I heard rumors about a new trend in the brewing world over on Twitter - a totally online brewery.  Working my extensive network of industry connections, I was able to have a short e-mail interview with the owner/brewer of the new project, Mr. Arthur Devlin.  It's not the best piece of Q & A I have ever done, but I wanted to post the conversation and be the first to break the details, so forgive me.  Since Mr. Devlin was replying to me on his phone, I have taken the liberty of correcting his spelling.

Here now, is Art Devlin.

JP: Art, thanks for taking the time to answer some questions for my readers.

AD: Sure thing.

JP: I know you don't have much time, so let's get into it.  Tell me about this new brewery.


AD: Well it's something that will, for sure, revolutionize the brewing world.  And I can't tell you too much about it for just that reason.  But essentially, I'll be running the entire process from home.  From my couch.

JP: How do you mean?

AD: Pretty much just that - I'll be able to mash, run off, boil, and pitch yeast right from my couch via the internet.

JP: Now, why bring this approach to beer, when so many craft beer drinkers are focusing on beers made "By Hand" or at the very least "locally" or with local ingredients?

AD: Because it makes sense to me.  It's the perfect blend of tech and innovation, is it not?  While most brewers are trying to figure out enzyme reactions, or how to turn the mash around and get another batch going, I'm focused on eliminating the hard work altogether.

JP: Are you concerned at all about any possible backlash in the brewing community?

AD: The brewing community will accept the way I am doing this for a few reasons, but mainly because they will hate it.  People talk the loudest about things they hate.  Most beer drinkers these days ARE indeed looking for a "hands-on" approach to brewing as if it matters at all.  If I dump my grains in by hand or if my silo opens up and the grain is metered by a valve makes no difference to the final product.  So I think people will drink my beers more often simply to see if they can find a flavor implication that nullifies my process.

JP: I've heard rumors about your packaging design.  Can you get into that at all?

AD: Sure, I think I can let the cat out on this one.  Our product will be released in unique 9oz. plastic packages that are shaped like a mustache.  The back label is removable and has a small application of Spirit Gum that enables the drinker to actually wear the package on their upper lip.  They will come in a 6-pack we are calling "A Pack of 'Stache".  We think the mustache is a greatly under used and modernly effective form of marketing that we are aggressively pursuing.

JP: Can that kind of focused marketing work in the long run?

AD: With the low over-head I have by working from home, we expect to have recovered our equipment costs in 7 batches.

JP: And the package costs?

AD: Well, our beer will sell for $49.95 each, so we will have paid for the entire 50,000 run of these things in about 5 months.  Everything after that is pure profit.

JP: Not to be rude - because you have been kind enough to grant me this interview, but ... that seems a bit high to me.

AD: And it is.  But our studies show that if you have a solid gimmick and a high price-point, the sky is the limit.  Today's beer drinker will accept a low-quality product if the gimmick it's surrounded by is a unique one.   Think "Blue Mountains".  Think "Dead Squirrel".  Think "Quad IPA".  Think "Limited Special Release".

JP: It's not all that common to hear someone in marketing speak so candidly about their process. Are you afraid that the consumer won't even give you a chance based on what you've just told me?

AD: LOL - no.  This won't even be remembered when the product comes out.  With the 24-hour news cycle these days, there will be something else coming down the pipe that will effectively shake the keys in front of the face of the public, distracting them.  I have to run now, it's my turn to see the doctor.

END TEXT

So that's it, that's my interview.  Personally I think the thing is a huge sham and almost insulting to beer drinkers. But the guy seems to have a grasp on marketing, I'll give him that.

New Chicks ... Finally!

Last you heard, we had a chicken get its back torn out by some ... THING in the middle of the night, leaving us with one bird - Mrs. Butterworth.  As a person who advocates having more than one of the same type of pet, it was time to get new birds.

So, on March 3rd, we went out and grabbed two new chicks: an Ameraucana and  a Gold/Sliver-Laced Wynadotte.  Again,  you gotta have at least two of the same pet, or your OCD kicks in and you attach human emotions to your pets.  Ya dig?

Nice Poop, dude. 

Cat toys?

There is some debate on which bird is which type, and we will settle on names as soon as they begin to ripen. The interesting part (if there is one), is how fast these things grow.  We got them when they were about two weeks old or so, and their wing feathers are already coming in.  After two weeks, most of their fuzz has changed into solid feathers!  It's kind of amazing, really.  They are already in their awkward stage, and makes me happy that my backyard is like the isle of Lesbos, or else I'd have to give everyone "The Talk".  

Awkward!

The Ameracauna? Or Wynadotte?

At any rate, we have about 9 weeks to go until they go outside. That's all from BirdTown. Now's the time to remind you that if you are buying anything from Amazon, please click the banner up top and shop that way.  Or hit that Donate button if anything I said here is worth while to you.  Not that it ever would be.  But I don't know if you have a history of head trauma or anything, and might be sensitive to that sort of recommendation. 

Taking Photos At Disneyland

I love Disneyland.  I also love taking interesting pictures, though I really hate carrying my DSLR around the park all day.  Sometimes I forget that I have a fairly good quality camera on my phone (as most of us do), and in good lighting I can take a very nice quality photo with it.

On a recent trip to Disneyland I rediscovered the HDR app I installed several months ago called, of all things, HDR Camera.  I have the Android version, so if you are Apple-inclined, I'm not sure if this applies.  HDR ( or High Dynamic Range) photography is rad, combining different exposures from multiple images of the same subject to produce an image entirely new and impossible to get from just one single image.  For an example, check out my buddy Charlie's HDR of a snow day downtown.  My app can't do images of this quality, but it is good enough to offer a different photo experience while at Disneyland.

The app takes 4 photos, each at different exposures, and meshes them all into one picture.  Then it gives you some ways to adjust things like color saturation and contrast to sort of dial in your new HDR image.  Most of the time I end up tuning the saturation and contrast sliders up all the way, but that's just me and that's how I like the images that come from this particular app.  The hard part is holding the camera still while it cycles through the four pictures.  Just breathe out slowly and you'll be fine. 

Ok, so the details are done, let's look at some pics!  Here are two photos I took of the Flag Retreat Ceremony at Disneyland, something I've been wanting to see for a long time now.  See it: it's cool, and something not many people know about.  It is a bit too cheesy at times, but hey - who cares?  

                     

The Daper Dans are singing, and sounding great.  The first image is just my little Droid X on Automatic.  The second is another pic I took using the HDR app.  As you can see, everything pops a bit more, while not looking too cartoonish, as can happen with HDR photos.  Nothing fancy, but it does enable you to take a more vivid photo with minimal work. 

I've been really into the Haunted Mansion lately, and on this trip it just screamed HDR to me.  

This is a good example of not having enough light in the other shots to compose a decent image, but it's still a bit more interesting than it would have been normally.  The siding on the walls of the porch stand out more, while keeping the rest of the house covered in shadows, with just enough moonlight to define some edges.  I don't have a normal shot to compare, but it's still an ok example of this app.

 

These were taken inside the mansion, in the elevator that takes you down to the ride itself.  The top one is normal camera function, the second is the HDR app.  The differences here are clear - not only are the colors brigher, but you can see some detail on the gargoyle to the left of the frame. Some of the right gargoyle and the candle flames are blurred out, however, and this is a good example of the downside of mixing 4 pictures in  a free HDR app.  I'm not sure why this happens, though I imagine it's probably a factor of matching all four pics into one and accounting for camera movement.  Oh well, I'm not looking to print these, just to have a little fun. 

Nothing fancy here, I was just testing it on the plaque that sits above the fountain in line for Pirates.  Ever notice it?  It's in HDR, so the color of the tile and grout is a bit more saturated, and I think the detail of the engraving is more pronounced.  Not to mention the rad color scheme near the bottom, closest to the water.  

HDR is better when you have some cool lighting to play with, and night time at Disney California Adventure offers a playground of lighting effects.  This shot is of the zephyr ride (which always seems to be broken when I want to ride it ... ) and the entrance to Paradise Pier.  

THIS is what HDR can do for your images.  Never mind the ugly blue cropping at the bottom, just look at the almost neon blue sky with the lights playing off the wires.  Good shot for a free app.  Try taking this with your camera phone and the sky will be dark and the lights blown out.  

Leaving DCA, I had to snap this pic of the new sign at the entrance, again reaching for the softness of the HDR app.  This was my favorite photo from the trip.

They don't look all that different, but I think the bottom image in HDR is more interesting when you look down at the gates and bars.  

I hope this makes you want to futz around with some free HDR apps in the future.  They can be great fun, but they eat your battery alive and don't always produce great results, but I think it makes you look at Disneyland in a new way, while looking for cool photos to take.  It's not a fix-all for bad photography, but more of an extra tool in your bag to have some more fun. 

The Next Great American Brewer

I first heard of this show last year when they were calling for homebrewers to audition, and until recently I had hoped the project had died out. After watching this all too long promo video for the show, I still wish it had died on the table.

In case you don't know, I had a show that was oddly similar to this one called B.Y.O.B. TV last year.  From what I hear we did fairly well in the ratings - at one point beating out SNL in the Bay Area.  Not saying I believe that (though when was the last time SNL was funny?), but it's a good piece of info and makes me feel good so I'm sticking with it.

At any rate, if you haven't seen this new show promo, hide the sharp objects and go watch it.

Back?  Wipe the bile off your chin there, and let's talk about it.

The obvious complaint I have is that it's fairly close to our show.  Homebrewers competing to be the best brewer by doing brewery tasks, cooking with beer, brewing beer, etc.  It does differ from ours as there are no men wearing lipstick or playing Liars Meat, but the structure and many of the competitions are direct ripoffs.

Ok, so that's out of the way, let's deal with location.  Chicago, they say, is one of the centers of craft beer in the country.  Um ... seriously?  Goose Island is there, and they make good beer, but that's about the sum of it.  Why not do it in San Diego, Portland, Denver, San Francisco, Seattle, anywhere but Chicago?  I assume it's just to be close to The Sieble Institute, but to say that town is the center of anything but blues and knife wounds is just a joke.

During the planning phases of our show, we talked about having one of the challenges that homebrewers have to do is some sort of marketing thing.  After seeing that part of the new show plugged in the promo video, I'm extremely glad we didn't put it in our show.  Who really wants to sit there watching homebrewers pitch their bottle labels to people?  It just seemed like the most boring thing to watch, and I'm very pleased that we didn't make our audience slog through it.  Not to mention that most commercial brewers don't have a say in their brand marketing, so I'm not really sure what this has to do with the best brewer in the country.  I can make a mean beer, but my art has never progressed much farther than putting shorts on stick figures.  Does that mean I wouldn't make a good brewer?

Back out of the actual show for a second and look at the marketing ...

Douche bag new host

Greg from Stone Brewing

Anything about this seem familiar?  Did this show have a single original idea, or did they just take bits from various areas and re-package them with an easy-to-use applicator?

Aside from the content, production value is just as - if not more important than the activities on the screen.  One thing you learn when shooting video is to always check your White Balance (the setting that makes the color white seem like white).  Even in the promo the whites where very yellow in the indoor shots, and when they weren't yellow the shots were dark and poorly lit.  Come on, kids!  You are supposed to be professionals, how do you shoot footage and not have the white balance set right?

To be honest, I stopped watching their video halfway through.  Which makes me feel a bit bad for them, because if they can't even hold my attention in a sizzle reel, how can they hold it for an hour?

No, it's not sour grapes. I don't care that they stole bits from my show.  I'm just sad they took them, squatted over them, and laid cable.

Death on the Farm

R.I.P. Lucretia 

The Madame, trying to lay an egg ...

It was bound to happen, really.  With all the stray cats running around my neighborhood because shitty fucking pet owners can't fix their fucking animals, I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner. Yes, one of my birds got taken this AM.  Drug into the bushes by a faggotcat.  

I heard them squawking around 6:30 this morning, which is a bit early but I just figured it was due to the mornings getting lighter.  It wasn't the type of sounds you'd expect an animal to make if it was in danger, more like just general "Ok I'm up now" noises.  Though they did sound closer to my room than before ...

Finally I look out the window and see Butterworth just walking around on the grass, with a shitty fucking stray cat right next to it!  I run outside in my bare feets and my boxers - the cat rips out of there and Butterworth is just chilling out, looking at me as if this happend every day for her.  I pick her up and take her to the coop, and then I saw the Trail of Feathers ...

Somehow the coop door had been opened - unlatched and opened - and starting from the front door there was a good 3 foot trail of large feathers, probably wing or tail, then a little break, then another trail of smaller feathers leading to the bushes.  Oh shit ...

A quick examination shows me two chicken feet lying in the dead leaves, obscured by branches and matted feathers.  Fuck.  

Anyway, I buried her by our Japanese Maple tree, and put a clay Fox statue our friends left as a sort of grave marker for her.  Even though she was just a chicken, I had her for about a year, and she was my pet.  I paused to say a few words, but the only thing I could do was tell her I was sorry over and over.  

I don't handle death well.  After my Mom died suddenly, not a day goes by that I don't think of my own mortality and when my ride will end.  When things around me die it's even worse.  I know it's only a chicken, and that things die and blah blah blah, but she was our chicken.  I held that bird every day it was a chick.  When I'd go buy her worms I was exited to get home and feed them to her.  It's sad to have to bury a pet that you brought up like that.  Especially one that got it's back ripped out by a fucking faggotcat.  

Even though Lucretia was the loudest of the two birds, and the one that laid the smallest eggs, she was part of the team, and I feel bad for Butterworth now, as she's the only one left. I'm the first to say that we, as humans, anthropomorphizes animals too much, but I have always been a believer in having two of the same animal so they have a companion.  And I can't help but feel that even a chicken can realize when they are the only one left.  

I'm fucking sad.  And I hate that.  I hate being sad about a bird - it's a bird, a chicken!  Fuck, man, get a hold of yourself!  But in reality, she had more personality than that.  She was a pet of the house, and I will miss her shitty squawks and small eggs.  Her stupid darting head and her knocking over their water feeder because she liked to eat wet dirt.  She was an idiot, but she was my idiot.  

I'm sorry, Lucretia.  I'm really very sorry.